The Dark Side Of The Force?

They were different from us. Oh they had tits and pubes and periods just like the rest of us, but what was missing was the excitement of it all. There was no joy in emergent womanhood. What there was, was sour faces and down-turned mouths. 

Oddly, thinking back, they weren’t apart from us, in fact they often joined in our groups discussions on the field…they just didn’t enjoy them too much. 

For example, when we were excitedly talking about our early forays into kissing, and maybe…shock, horror….second base (over clothes of course) we might say, “God…I was sooo fucking wet!” This would raise an, “Ewww…..I hate  it when I get wet down there. It’s disgusting!” It seemed they hated the entire female package….the way boys looked at us, the “gunge” as they put it….the periods, the whole, messy business of being female. But more than that, they hated boys for making them feel that way. Looking back, I can now see that they were emergent man-haters. 

And so it has turned out. Both of these girl have turned into sour-faced seriously unpleasant man-haters of the first order. Both are lesbians, of course, both crew-cutted tattooed ever-scowling, ‘a good feminist is offensive to a man three times a day on principal’ kind of people. 

Which makes them hypocrites of course. I mean, when they’re having sex with their female partners, do they not get wet then? Why is that not ‘disgusting’ when that same wetness caused by an attractive boy is? And that’s something else. True lesbians (see my Emily for details) are not ‘disgusted’ by men, they simply find no attraction there. Emily could be presented with the perfect specimen of manhood and engage in foreplay with him and it would do not a thing for her. There would be zero response. But she isn’t, and never would be a man-hater. If she was, she and I wouldn’t be together. 

Now, to the meat of the matter. When I was 16, I had a sleepover with one of these girls. They interested me. I wanted to understand them more. There was something here I didn’t understand, and hadn’t identified before. So….usual girly sleepover, but it wasn’t long before I realised how ashamed of her own body she was. Most girls don’t have a problem stripping off in front of one another. This girl did. Into my bathroom in her ‘day’ clothes, out in her Bugs Bunny PJs. Earlier in the day I’d suggested skinny-dipping in our pool which was greeted with speechless horror. Still, in the dead of night….

I heard a noise. Oh, she wouldn’t share my king-sized bed….not a chance…so she was lying on a sleeping bag on my floor. I admit, I’d turned the heating up so being under covers would be uncomfortable. And in the dead of night, the noise. Just a catch in her breathing…a gentle sigh…which became a moan. 

Is it possible for someone to use willpower to make their night vision? If so, it works! Lit only by the tell-tale lamps from my computer, and the room’s climate control panel and one or two other things, I made out her shape on her sleeping bag. Legs spread wide, hand jammed down her PJ bottoms. I knew she was also wearing her waist-high panties. (Granny knickers, we called them.) and yet, there she was frigging herself madly. It was her face I was most interested in. 

We’ve all seen that so-called ‘beautiful agony’ of approaching and actual orgasm, but this wasn’t that. This was an expression of…well…’necessary disgust’ if that makes any sense. I watched her as she got herself closer and closer until she eventually came….and at the exact moment her orgasm hit, she yanked her hand out from between her legs and froze. I don’t know for sure, but I think she was trying to stop her orgasm. Me? I milk them to the last vague twitch of vaginal contraction. 

She looked at her fingers, glistening in the moonlight, pulled an unpleasant face and wiped them on my carpet. (Charming!) 

Now, hold that. I have a friend who is highly autistic. She’s brilliant, but simply cannot cope with emotions, or ‘reading’ people. She says what she thinks to the point of rudeness, although she’s not trying to be rude. She, like many people who are off-the-chart autistic merely says it as she sees it. Here’s what she said when I described these two girls. (I make no apologies if it offends….it’s just what she said).

“Some girls are disgusted with their own bodies. They leak three weeks a month and bleed for the other one. They see their bodies as distorted by men for pregnancy and ripped apart by birth. They hate themselves, therefore they hate the men who might impregnate them.” She went on, “They don’t want to be female, but they don’t want to be male either. Perhaps that explains the rise in androgyny we are seeing.” 

She doesn’t mince her words, as you can see….but I wonder if she might have a point.